Dolphin-eating Theme Park: Bad idea?

Dear Town of Taiji, Japan:

Dolphins using sign language to say, “Let’s go to the discoteque! I’ve got my dancing flippers on!”

You were made famous by the documentary, The Cove. But a theme park? Maybe a bit too far.

You see, you have proposed a Dolphin theme park where people can play and swim with these majestic animals, and then sample their tasty flesh.

Now, critics will likely say that Koreans eat dog, which are sacred to Americans, who eat cows, which are sacred to Indians, and Wall Street bankers eat the souls of unborn (note, unverified but possibly true), which are sacred to Jesus.

Man amazed by how awesome Dolphins are, and thinking “Man, I could never eat that!”

But Dolphins are amazing–and you kill upwards of 20,000 dolphins/porpoises each year. These creatures can do back flips out of water. They have their own language, Dolphinese, which is the language of love in the marine world (if you know what I’m saying…). So please, abandon your theme park plans. Unlike most animals, they are self-conscious, have personalities, and memories! They have even been known to protect humans from sharks!

Boy learning how to kiss from Dolphin–adorable!

Now Taiji–don’t get me wrong. I’m a Japan fan through and through. But there are lots of cultural things that we don’t do nowadays. We don’t sacrifice virgins on the altar (that I know of). We let weatherpersons tell us slightly more accurately whether it will rain or snow (note, sacrifice weatherpersons when they ruin next beach day).

We don’t eat the brains of our adversaries to gain their strength in battle. And we shouldn’t eat dolphin.

Girl thanking Dolphin after being tutored in Algebra.

We humans so often feel very alone in this crazy world, and we need all the friends we can get. And mark my words–dolphins are friends. Number of movies where dolphins help humans? Many! How many dolphin horror movies are there?

One–The Day of the Dolphin, and apparently no one liked it–cause you know who turned the dolphins against humans? Us!



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