McDonalds CEO – Would you like Shoes with that?

Dear McDonalds CEO Jeff Stratton:

I recently read about your employee, Nancy Salgado, and how she cannot afford shoes. I disagree.

Ms. Salgado makes $8.25 an hour, so yes–this does mean that she can’t afford golden shoes.

I like a shoe that says, “I am too good to walk on your measly floor.”

So what kind of shoes CAN she afford?

Now, these shoes are technically cartoons. But the best part about cartoon shoes? You don’t have to clean them…because they don’t exist!

Technically, these don’t exist…but

Now, these are footbinding shoes, but hear me out–if you bought these for Ms. Salgado, it’d be easier to keep her at McDonalds:

No caption necessary:

These are Walmart shoes, and it strikes me that Walmart and McDonalds share a lot in common. Actually, because of a McDonalds worker’s low wage, they have what we call in science a symbiotic relationship.

Chinese child labor–you get what you pay for!

…or is it parasitic–I can never remember.

Now, you’re probably saying–why the heck should I buy some lady shoes? Well, here’s another option. I’ve done the math–well, Business Insider did the math. I read the math. The point is that McDonalds makes around $8.5 billion a year. So, you could double every employee’s’ wage for about $3 billion and still make $5.5 billion.

That’s a lot of shoes!

Dolphin-eating Theme Park: Bad idea?

Dear Town of Taiji, Japan:

Dolphins using sign language to say, “Let’s go to the discoteque! I’ve got my dancing flippers on!”

You were made famous by the documentary, The Cove. But a theme park? Maybe a bit too far.

You see, you have proposed a Dolphin theme park where people can play and swim with these majestic animals, and then sample their tasty flesh.

Now, critics will likely say that Koreans eat dog, which are sacred to Americans, who eat cows, which are sacred to Indians, and Wall Street bankers eat the souls of unborn (note, unverified but possibly true), which are sacred to Jesus.

Man amazed by how awesome Dolphins are, and thinking “Man, I could never eat that!”

But Dolphins are amazing–and you kill upwards of 20,000 dolphins/porpoises each year. These creatures can do back flips out of water. They have their own language, Dolphinese, which is the language of love in the marine world (if you know what I’m saying…). So please, abandon your theme park plans. Unlike most animals, they are self-conscious, have personalities, and memories! They have even been known to protect humans from sharks!

Boy learning how to kiss from Dolphin–adorable!

Now Taiji–don’t get me wrong. I’m a Japan fan through and through. But there are lots of cultural things that we don’t do nowadays. We don’t sacrifice virgins on the altar (that I know of). We let weatherpersons tell us slightly more accurately whether it will rain or snow (note, sacrifice weatherpersons when they ruin next beach day).

We don’t eat the brains of our adversaries to gain their strength in battle. And we shouldn’t eat dolphin.

Girl thanking Dolphin after being tutored in Algebra.

We humans so often feel very alone in this crazy world, and we need all the friends we can get. And mark my words–dolphins are friends. Number of movies where dolphins help humans? Many! How many dolphin horror movies are there?

One–The Day of the Dolphin, and apparently no one liked it–cause you know who turned the dolphins against humans? Us!



American Society

Dear American Society:

While waiting for my flu shot at CVS today, I came across these magazines. This is wonderful:


What else does a man need in life but cats, Kardashian, and Smosh?

One cannot help but think that Smosh is appropriately placed next to KK and Cat in Pumpkin.


Of course, there was an even grander selection of magazines waiting just above, on the next aisle…

As I was still waiting for my flu shot (the pharmacist was helping an old lady who had selected the wrong size of Reeses

Which will bring on the Zombie apocalypse? Guns or Cooking Light--you decide!

Which will bring on the Zombie apocalypse? Guns or Cooking Light–you decide!

Peanut Butter Cups, which was totally nice of her. And so I gazed upward at the fate of humanity.

It makes sense–one of the weird chemicals in Cooking Light recipes–no sugar sugar (Aspartame), or freaky fat fat (Olestra)–making a bunch of Zombies–well, sir, you’re gonna need over 1700 guns to stop them, right?


And finally, it was time for my flu shot–just kidding, it took another half an hour cause the old lady didn’t feel like Reeses Peanut Butter Cups–she wanted the Pieces…

And so I read of Guns and Zombies, wishing I had Pumpkin Cat by my side.

God bless America: