Dear Arjen Robben: Regarding your performance in the world cup. You are the worst flopper.
Man, you pepper-spray some college students and get $40K in worker’s comp? That’s…a good deal!
An appeals board has awarded a former campus police officer $38,055 in workers’ compensation after he was fired for the pepper-spraying of student protesters. Former police Lt. John Pike was awarded the settlement Oct. 16 from the University of California…
Dear Town of Taiji, Japan:
You were made famous by the documentary, The Cove. But a theme park? Maybe a bit too far.
You see, you have proposed a Dolphin theme park where people can play and swim with these majestic animals, and then sample their tasty flesh.
Now, critics will likely say that Koreans eat dog, which are sacred to Americans, who eat cows, which are sacred to Indians, and Wall Street bankers eat the souls of unborn (note, unverified but possibly true), which are sacred to Jesus.
But Dolphins are amazing–and you kill upwards of 20,000 dolphins/porpoises each year. These creatures can do back flips out of water. They have their own language, Dolphinese, which is the language of love in the marine world (if you know what I’m saying…). So please, abandon your theme park plans. Unlike most animals, they are self-conscious, have personalities, and memories! They have even been known to protect humans from sharks!
Now Taiji–don’t get me wrong. I’m a Japan fan through and through. But there are lots of cultural things that we don’t do nowadays. We don’t sacrifice virgins on the altar (that I know of). We let weatherpersons tell us slightly more accurately whether it will rain or snow (note, sacrifice weatherpersons when they ruin next beach day).
We don’t eat the brains of our adversaries to gain their strength in battle. And we shouldn’t eat dolphin.
We humans so often feel very alone in this crazy world, and we need all the friends we can get. And mark my words–dolphins are friends. Number of movies where dolphins help humans? Many! How many dolphin horror movies are there?
One–The Day of the Dolphin, and apparently no one liked it–cause you know who turned the dolphins against humans? Us!