Dear Arjen Robben: Regarding your performance in the world cup. You are the worst flopper.
Dear Galileo and Copernicus:
Um…sorry? Seems we are still a bit unsure about whether the earth revolves around the sun, or the sun around the earth.
To the right, an actor who starred in a fiction TV series called Star Trek, which you haven’t seen, unless you’re both scientist ghosts, which would be super cool.
Anyhoo, she’s lending her voice to a documentary that claims you both are very very wrong. Turns out the sun revolves around the earth.
So we’re awaiting your apologies…from beyond the graaaaaaaave!
Dear McDonalds CEO Jeff Stratton:
I recently read about your employee, Nancy Salgado, and how she cannot afford shoes. I disagree.
Ms. Salgado makes $8.25 an hour, so yes–this does mean that she can’t afford golden shoes.
So what kind of shoes CAN she afford?
Now, these shoes are technically cartoons. But the best part about cartoon shoes? You don’t have to clean them…because they don’t exist!
Now, these are footbinding shoes, but hear me out–if you bought these for Ms. Salgado, it’d be easier to keep her at McDonalds:
These are Walmart shoes, and it strikes me that Walmart and McDonalds share a lot in common. Actually, because of a McDonalds worker’s low wage, they have what we call in science a symbiotic relationship.
…or is it parasitic–I can never remember.
Now, you’re probably saying–why the heck should I buy some lady shoes? Well, here’s another option. I’ve done the math–well, Business Insider did the math. I read the math. The point is that McDonalds makes around $8.5 billion a year. So, you could double every employee’s’ wage for about $3 billion and still make $5.5 billion.
That’s a lot of shoes!